Perhaps

You claim to speak positivity, you claim to understand what I feel. Do you really?. Your arrogance makes my hungry stomach cringe, these pangs I get are not because of the emptiness. It is because of how I loathe those of your making. You tell me what to do, how to behave but if tables were turned would you tell yourself that? You tell me trivialities whilst I am in need of true sustenance. Do you even know this soul you tell how to live, if it needs or has had any worthy enrichment. This stomach that needs to accommodate medication to survive, does it have food? Do you guarantee me of a livelihood, I ask of you to stop it!!!

Your words do not heal me, they destroy every living fibre of my being. Your words go straight to my heart like a ruthless knife, your words bring tears to my eyes. For they look at me and they despise me, your pride and pompousness I surely wish for your sake sustains you. I wish that when this reality hits home one day you shall be able to reflect and remember all the ridiculous statements your mouth uttered.

Why is it that the word stigma is stigmatised? Why does this chronic illness receive such overwhelming acknowledging? Why do you not find ways to help to end this chronic illness, rather than continue this friendly torture. You come to me on my death bed, and I see that hopelessness in your eyes. All you can get out of that sorry mouth is that '"You will be ok". I will be ok??? I will never be ok, you know that. I will never be ok to fit into this cruel world with mere mortals. Perhaps I will be ok for when I am with my Creator.

You leave and take a phone and talk to whomever wishes to listen, as you gossip and rejoice about my prognosis. As you plan your outfits to put me to rest. As you tell me of your plans to buy a car, perhaps if you sat and asked me what my plans were. You wold take your time to make them real, perhaps my only plan is to have a fancy meal. Pehaps that could happen if I was not bed ridden, if I did not have this thrush, if I did not have shingles, if my body was not sore, if my legs and joints were not swollen, if my complexion had not turned this pale beyond comprehension.

Perhaps I could do with that walk that you take for granted, for you complain of how hot the sun is, and you want to jump into bed and rest. I DO NOT want to lie in this bed anymore, I even have bed sores as proof of this painful journey. I want the beauty of this world as I knew it, I want to smell the harvests, smell the aroma of the rain, smell the blazing of the sun, but I can not because I am bed ridden.

You ask me if I had anything to eat? Hello!!! eat!!! I do not need to eat, all I want is to walk out of these shackles. All I want is to see myself proclaim that I am healed, that my brother is healed, that we all are healed. Suddenly a thought strikes me!!! YES I AM HEALED!!!, for am on my way to meet my Maker. HE provides sustenance and is in control of my being. HE will welcome me in HIS throne for we all mortals are part of HIS creation, and in HIS eyes we all are equal.

Perhaps I was not created to enjoy the luxuries of this world, perhaps I like all mortals was created for a purpose. Do I have enough breaths to realise what that which I was created for is? Do I not just spend these last moments to pack my bags neatly and properly, so that when I take this final journey all I need will be in there.

I say this as I am sitting and watching my life, as I knew it - flash in front of my eyes. I thank The Almighty for having given me the strength to accept that which, has been planned for me before my conception. I have no regrets for being born the way I am, but perhaps what I could tell the world is that, if only my parents (for I am not pointing fingers) would have done taken precautionary measures, perhaps this innocent soul would not be experiencing what it is!!!

If only they had remembered that there is a possibility of infection, perhaps I would not be in this frail state that I am at. Perhaps my body would look like that of the other 10 year olds, but you look at me lying still you think I am 4 years old. This chronic disease has devoured my body, I still dreamt of growing up to being an adult. I still dreamt of making it beyond the rainbows, I have made it finally beyond the rainbows. I am at peace and am singing and dancing with the angels. YES I ask of you to please mean what you say for once!!!!

by Mamohale Moloi Dimema on Tuesday, 01 December 2009 at 09:27

some dreams will stay dreams

Yes not all dreams are within reach, not all rainbows signify the end of the rain, not all clouds have silver linings, only the true realiseable dreams do come true. Some lights at the end of the tunnel are on fossil energy, ready for depletion at the lack of supply. So is MY dream, it will NEVER come true for it is far fetched. It is but a dream decades late, thus confirming not all dreams will come true.

I kept busy the whole day, worked like I was being paid. Never had a chance to sit and take a time out, now that the night has fallen I am forced to relax. I look to my right, then left, I read the papers, I switch TV channels and yet I can confirm that some dreams will stay but dreams.

The reality is facing me now, not knowing whether to seek answers in the winds that blow or the animals that sleep. In happy times I have your hand, in sad times I have your heart. I know that not all dreams come true for when the storms hit, when the sun shines, the rain falls I seek you, I need you. This open door shall remain open, for the dreams belonging there will never be realised.

My dream is one and an impossible one at that, I dream that dream that one day I would know, feel and celebrate with all fathers on this day. I do not know how to behave, but to dream the impossible that someday I would in my heart understand fathers' day. With a truck full of pebbles, I sit and pick them and select the best looking. What value is a pebble? A father would know about that object so small yet tough, I have picked one up on your behalf today. I gave it to myself and do not know what lesson to learn from this gesture, for I remember that some dreams will stay but that. The dreams you had for me will come true, The only dream I have for you will never be realised.

Whenever I look in the mirror, I am your spitting image. Whenever I am told of what a tomboy I am and take those long lazy strides, I am you with one selfish dream. I write, I draw, I sing, I ride I am you with a selfish dream, My only dream is to know how it feels like to look a father in the eye and say Happy fathers' day!!! That is one dream GOD guarantees and decreed I shall never have, I am proud of you dear father I am you. Whatever the day signifies let it be, but to me I think of you father daily with a twinkle in my eye and think if I had a mortal father I wonder what he would be saying to me at this moment.

Written and posted on my facbeook profile's notes on 20 June 2010

A woman of strength - Yes I am

Wonder not for I indeed am a woman of strength - Yes I am
It is now that I lay in my bed I say, Yes I am, Yes I am and not the Yes I am you made me believe I was
I am a woman of strength for if it were not for the strength within these veins,
If it were not for the strength carrying this frail frame,
The strength I possess that led I to the Yes I am, that you planted in my strong willed soul

These eyes that stare without a blink at the sharp blazing object yielded towards it,
These hands that ward off the potential harm posed its way,
These ears firmly planted on the ground, waiting for those giant footsteps - who could that be?
I wonder - is it time to retreat to that secluded shrine, is it time to race to that chosen spot
Is it that time to give it all up and let out that strength this aching heart manifests.

It is perhaps that the truth is the way of setting us free, perhaps an overrated statement for I
I as a woman of strength, with the strength usually safely tucked away in the pangs felt in my intestines
The strength I possess as I walk barefoot to fend for those of my womb,
the additional strength that only a soldier can carry as armor, I am that woman of strength
Yes I am, strength is I, I have strength, I provide strength

As I look up to the road ahead, and see the possibilities within the journey
I ask where is that strength to get me through these stumbling blocks?
The answers lie within for I as a woman of strength can build a nation
Yes I am strength for my tongue is not constructed to break, I am strength
The thousands of hair strands on my head are intertwined to a chain of strength

I walk, I speak, I sing, I sleep, I feed, I fend - Yes I am strength
That sharp knife pointed towards those that matter, is but a blunt trivial object compared to my strength
The harsh rays poisoining the eyes, are but the light at the end of this tunnel to I as a woman of strength
The rain that floods is but an ocean my way, the one that is meant to clean rotten debris
The winds that break the baobab trees, bring but the source of my foundation to build from

I have given the other cheek not because I was the Yes you thought I was
I have slept in the hospital casualties and police stations, Yes I a woman of strength
I have gone to bed with hunger, scared to touch a morsel of your sweat
I am drobed in attire that is not deserving of my torso, but I am a woman of strength
I am ailing and aching when the emotions envelope my sanity

I bid you farewell my lover, my friend for I as a woman of strength need to be strong
May your paths not be troubled when you think of how you tortured me
May those that follow in my footsteps not suffer the hardships I was subjected to
As you walk the talk remember that this I, is that of a woman of strength
Not the I that you created, it is my time to embrace the world

For I am that woman of strength

Written and Posted on my facebook notes Thursday, 12 August 2010

Time Does

Indeed it does...:

Never did I realise that time does wait for man - things fall into place at the right time, they fall out of place at the right time, the destinies are written and revealed at the appropriate time. The joys at my doorstep have skipped time to land with accuracy, the woes in my backyard have been planted in precision. 

Does time? yes time does not wait for no man!!! the moments spent on trivialities is but precious and lost in time, the anguish caused to mortals is energy misdirected and the click of the time machine does not pause to regain such, the positive steps shoved away cannot be retraced, the silver linings within our reach hidden by the clouds are soon to fade for time does not wait for man.

Time does heal: the beauty that transcends from an anguish experienced, is but a white protective and peaceful bubble. Time does heal for the journeys travelled to create a collage of memoirs are deserved, the plush velvet heart now turned into an intertwined rope is but an affirmation that time does heal.

Time does forgive: as one stumbles and tumbles and is reduced to a morsel, the giant footprints will find a way to be filled and the route back is but a forgiveness filled one.

Time does deliver: it never fails on its promises, all you richfully deserve are indeed delivered on a platter by the ever obidient time. For truly time does ... endlessly to infinity for all possibilities time does.

Written and posted on my facebook notes 05 Jan 2011, Wednesday